The shadow world of self worth
Sooo, it turns out that self-worth is something I don’t have.
I’m working on it… but it occurs to me that I may not be very good at it .... or anything and … there you go, d’you see?!! Inner bitch voice.
The strangest thing is, I’ve noticed that some of the most amazing people I’ve ever met don’t have much either. That threw me. Annnd, some of the potentially not so amazing people have it abundance.
Where’s it come from then, this self-worth stuff?
Many people think it’s an inside job. That providing you keep telling yourself how fuck off awesome you are, how loved you are, at some point it will magically kick in and taaa daaa, you’re all self-worthed up.
Nope, tried it, didn’t believe myself at fucking all, and well just nope.
Maybe it’s two tiered kind of thing, then?
You coach yourself, but also need to be coached by the people you love. By coached I really just mean told you matter in words and actions, rather than being repeatedly reminded of all your flaws and scowled at.
Soo, next question, what if you’ve been programmed from a young age to hate everything you are.
What if you’ve been repeatedly told you’re worthless? Useless? Pathetic? What then?
And what if you then become ill, with an illness that isn’t recognised in Western, we’re not letting the science get in our way, medicine?
If you can’t go out and establish a career, a friendship group, a life out from under the shadow of your upbringing?
Then you have to do some work. Fuck sake. I sometimes feel I’m working a billion times harder than your average well person just to not be dead. More? There’s fucking more?
There is. There’s more.
More delving, more deducing, more detective-ing (new word), more work.
Because, if those who are predominantly well, healthy, life’s not a continual varying layered basket of shit, can have bad days when they’re tired and can’t find sparkle and self-worth and begin to kick off the inner resting bitch face critic… what the fuck does that mean for those who are sick as fuck 24/7 and tired is the least of it?
You know that bounce when you feel great, the shiny skin, the luminescent hair, the buzzy ideas…the joy of all of it all? What if you never, ever have that, because you’re sick?
What if you have to fake it? All the time.
On a podcast I was listening to recently, a very successful lady who has lived a full and happy life recently said that if she’s a bit tired and doesn’t take the time to rest, her work suffers. She shows up badly and that can quickly spiral into bad decisions, harmful self-talk and a self-worth knock down. What if no amount of rest equals feeling better and brighter?
My dad recently informed me that he felt I frail. Emotionally weak. Bit useless. Wtf? Never heard so much bollocks in my life.
Crucial point, until I started delving deep and journaling and mediating on my balls up foundational programming, questioning it and obliterating the fuck out of it, I would have nodded, agreed and hated myself a little bit more. What I actually did was tell him to fuck off.
I’m incredibly yogic and so close to enlightenment, that I said it very calmly. I gave myself points for that. Didn’t even cry afterwards. More points. Because a tiny bit of self-worth kicked in and told me he’s a twat. He’s been a bit of a twat for a very long time, but I used to swallow his words whole and let them fester.
This post is for those who feel like shit and do it all anyway. Fucking hell, are you worth something! Probably something far greater than anything anyone’s ever had you believe.
If you are feeling worthless today, then I’m here…slightly aggressively because I’m currently owning my anger, to tell you, you are fucking fuck off awesome.
Worth your weight in gold (or supplements which probably cost more), and everything you want, need and yearn for is rightfully yours. All of it. Everything. Yours. Claim it. Go ahead.
Can you be fired from the yoga world, made to go and sit in the corner? Because I feel I’m walking a fine line.....