Yeah, not what you’re thinking. Well kind of what you’re thinking, just not in a kinky way. Well kind of in a kinky way, depends on how kinky you are.

Coffee enemas, an integral part of detox, a wonderful tool in any recovery process and something that no one really likes the idea of. At fucking all. Not even the people doing them.

Men especially don’t want to entertain the concept - the irony of that is never lost on me, considering the general pestering their partners endure, which encompass that very concept, but there you are. Men. Touch of man bashing there, sorry/not sorry.

No one really wants to talk openly about them, because errryuk. Unless you’re me and have not a single errryuk sensitive bone in your body, in which case – oooooh what’s that???

I’m going to talk openly about them, if you’re squeamish, run…..

While they have many benefits, the main one is that they aid our bodies in their elimination process. Which has become a necessary necessity in an incredibly and increasingly toxic world.

They take the burden from our ever vigilant, ever over taxed livers - that’s a good thing, the poor buggers need a break.

They increase glutathione (the fuck arse dogs bollocks master detoxifier/antioxidant) levels by up to 700%. Fucking hell.

As just about every-bloody-thing goes through the liver. All the toxins we eat, breathe, drink, smell, the whole fucking lot, they can get a little erm fucked right off.

Maybe picture your mum on Christmas Day eyeing up your dad (not in a good way) as he puts his feet up after the exertion of eating the huge meal that she lovingly prepared (completely get that some dads aren’t buggers and help) while she gathers the plates, bowls, glasses and wrapping paper and prepares for round two. Your liver is the mum in this scenario. It’s about to throw an almighty ‘would one of you lazy bastards get up and help’ fit.

And because life tends to operate on a sods law basis - if you’re poorly, have been poorly for some time, the body’s ability to produce glutathione is quite considerably diminished, which has the net result of making poorlier and your liver angrier. Yay.

Which means that the toxins build up like nasty bastard traffic jam. Our ability to make and recycle glutathione reduces, our livers become increasingly overwhelmed and our bodies either go to plan b and look for alternative elimination pathways…

Like the skin - and tada acne, hives, sores and dark marks (all your dreams come true, basically).

There are of course other causes of all these things, but often, once you start coffee enema-ing (new word) the skin starts to clear a little if not a whole god damn lot.

Or, plan c - the toxins get stored in our fat. The bonus here being that if you don’t have sufficient fat, you’ll begin to develop some. And again -yay. Who the fuck thought that was a good idea?! It actually is a good idea, it’s a protective mechanism, as clever as it is shit.

Lots of things can result in a decline in glutathione production - toxins, stressors of any kind (environmental, emotional, illness), our inherited genetic SNPs (which can impair our ability to create or recycle the wonder stuff), mycotxins (are especially effective at fucking this molecule up, god I hate mold), radiation (EMF), even just the ageing process.

Just as a side note here, there is quite a lot of concern about which coffees to use, as they can contain mycotoxins themselves.

Fucks sake, there’s always something.

Some functional medicine doctors and bio hackers recommend certain brands, which tend to be expensive. I can’t afford them, and the one I really like the sound of, I can’t get delivered to the UK before the end of time and without spending the same again on postage.

Consequently, I’ve taken the fuck it route. I use organic, one source coffee. Fuck it.

Coffee growers have been aware of the mold issue for a long time, they try to keep the mold content low to non-existent and use a method called wet processing, which supposedly removes the majority of the mold (who the fuck knows tbh). Whole beans ground daily are probably the best option if you can’t afford the super tested for mold stuff.

So quick list of all the wonders to be gained from coffee enema-ing

- The acids - Coffee contains two palmitic acids - kahweol and cafestol, which enhance glutathione.

-Bile - when administered rectally (so much more fun than drinking it) our bile ducts are dilated, our bile flow is increased and even more horrible stuff - in the form of potentially deadly toxins - are removed to phase 3 detox.

-Theophylline and theobromine - these two components found in coffee, can, according to Dr Wilson’s research, dilate blood vessels and as a result reduce gut inflammation.

-Parasites – the symbiotic little fuckers that both serve us and steal our nutrients – are often eliminated whole. Excellent stuff as you really don’t want them exploding and releasing all the nasties (molds, yeasts, heavy metals) that they’ve been quietly consuming inside you.

I feel so much fucking better after eliminating a or multiple parasites (no one ever wants me to share pictures, no idea why), as though a huge weight had been lifted. My head, always groggy as fuck tends to clear a little after a parasite release. My mood also lifts. There are of course other ways to expel parasites, many different cleanses. Mimosa pudica being one of my favourites – but the CE is a great place to start.

-The colon (often the most backed up toxic organ within us) - is thoroughly cleansed, and as an anal clean freak Virgo, this utterly appeals to me on a potentially completely fucked up level.

-Histamine - I’ve used a CE for histamine flares for years. I used to get epic ones when I started bee venom therapy, I’d literally be covered from head to toe in huge welts and feel like my whole body was on fire, a CE has never failed to remedy it.

-Migraines - if your migraines are caused by food sensitives and or toxic overload, a CE will most definitely help reduce or even completely eliminate the fuckers.

-Pain management, quite often I wake up with just about everything hurting. A headache, muscle tension, jaw pain (got to love Lyme’s thoroughness) and a CE will completely get it all to either fuck off or drop down to a – perhaps I won’t jump off the roof - level.

-Killing Lyme - when following a killing protocol for Lyme a CE will help remove the dead bastard debris of the arsehole Lyme from your system. You don’t want that shit in there, alive or dead.

-Nutrients - coffee contains selenium, potassium and zinc - which are beautifully absorbed through the colon, giving you a little mineral boost.

-PH balancing - the small intestine is alkaline, and this environment is supported by the bile (bile is alkaline) dump induced by a CE. The large intestine and bowel are more acidic in nature, and guess what coffee is…acidic - so the acidity of the bowel and large intestine are supported by the coffee implant.

-Heavy metal removal - because the body can’t remove heavy metals unaided, and they have to be attached to a something (technical term) like glutathione, alpha lipoic acid or vitamin C.

-Nausea - every time I feel queasy (which was all the fucking time for years and years) I use a CE to ease it. Obviously, it completely depends on what’s causing the nausea in the first place, but if it’s a sluggish liver, toxins or a bug lingering in the GI tract then a CE will generally help.

-Arthritis - purely anecdotal from my point of view, as in I haven’t read any scientific studies as such, only peoples stories, but it seems to really help.

-Constipation – lots of people say that after using CEs for a few months, their constipation eases and normal peristalsis returns.

-Vagus Nerve stimulation - CE's improve the gut-brain axis (a bi-directorial communication pathway) by stimulating the vagus nerve.

The brain plays a huge role in the smooth functioning of the gut and vice versa via the vagus nerve. CEs really improve vagal tone because of the way in which they distend the intestines. The act of retaining the enema also stimulates this amazing pathway.

Right, enough boring arse info, on to the how…

The kit

-Bucket or bag. I use a bucket now because I do them daily and didn’t want to put the coffee through plastic that frequently, but whatever you can afford. I started with a cheap as fuck bag. Just get going, if they work for you then move onto the more expensive shit (literally) later on.

This bag is not as far as I can see BPA free (although I have heard that when things are BPA free they more other nasties so…)

-Coffee (kind of goes without saying really.)

This is the coffee I started out with. I like it, but find one that suits you. I now just use one source dark roast because it’s cheaper, basically.

-The water. Use a good water filter or glass bottled water ideally (not plastic if poss and not tap water, but just to get started and see how the first ones goes before investing in an expensive as fuck water filter maybe just buy some bottled mineral water).

This is a tiny one and will need more filling up, if you can, it might be worth investing in a larger one.

-A towel or pad to lie on, or get in the shower/bath if you’re worried about leakage (it’s a thing until the Mula Bandha or root lock or tightening of the anal sphincter becomes easier).

-Pan - buy a stainless steel or aluminium/coating free pan to simmer the coffee in (ideally, because you don’t really want to be adding more toxins in while trying to take them out, but obviously if you can't afford to, just use what you have).

-A stainless steel cafetiere or glass cafetiere to strain the coffee through.

Getting started -

-If you haven't had a bowel movement, start with a plain body temp water enema first. It really helps you to hold the coffee one if your bowel is relatively clear. Just follow the instructions for the coffee enema but use water, half kettle boiled, half cool to make it body temp.

-Place a towel or absorbent pad on the bathroom floor or in the shower or bath. It takes a bit of practice to hold them. It honestly gets easier. Promise.

-Find somewhere to wedge the bucket or hang the bag where it will absolutely stay put and the pipe and nozzle can reach your arse.

-Place a teaspoon of coffee (to start - if it turns out your sensitive to caffeine, even this may be too much, so go in low and build up to 2-3 tablespoons) in the saucepan with a couple of cups of filtered water and gently bring to the boil for 5 or so mins.

-Strain the coffee through a sieve, or tip into the cafetiere and use the press to strain it (the nozzle will block otherwise) and then pour into the bucket or bag.

-Top the bucket or bag up with cool filtered water until it's around body temp. If still too hot, allow to cool or add ice cubes. Don't be tempted to use it while a little too hot, it fucking hurts, you'll only try that once.

-Open the nozzle and allow some of the enema solution to drain away down the sink. This clears air bubbles (they make it harder to hold).

Close it again and find a comfortable position to lie in. I like to be on my hands and knees doggy style (just generally, not only for enemas), some people like to lie on their left side. Others on their right. Some like to stand and bend over (I'm really struggling not to make this into soft porn).

-Insert nozzle gently (kind of tease it in...I'm sorry, this is too much for my filthy brain, honestly I could have made it so much dirtier).

If you use an oil to lubricate the end (ffs) like olive or coconut hold the nozzle in place, it will slid out (ffs) and spray the room with coffee otherwise. Your bathroom won't feel the glutathione hit like you will.

-Allow the solution to flow. It's an odd sensation. You'll get used to it.

Try and breath through it if you feel panicky. You can always close the nozzle and slow it all down.

Don't forget the higher up the bucket or bag is, the faster it will go in. And if you can only get a tiny bit in and only hold it for 3 seconds, that's fine, it's a learning curve and a wonderful start.

-Massage your belly starting on the left side just above the pelvis and up. Then go across from left to right just over the belly button and down to the right side of the pelvis. Keep your breathing slow, measure your breaths in and out. It all helps, honestly.

-Release when you're ready.

Aim to hold it for 15 mins in the end, but remember that the length of time you can hold it will vary from day to day. Stomach bugs, foods that didn't quite agree and stress will all make it harder to hold.

-It might make you feel a little shaky during or afterwards. You might be caffeine sensitive, in which case lower the amount next time.

It may be because your blood sugar is easily destabilised. A CE can lower blood sugar so eat a little protein based snack before or afterwards. Best not to go for anything sugary, although you may really fucking want to, because that, unfortunately, will only mess the blood sugar up further.

-If some of the solution (or all of the fucking stuff) stays inside, don't worry, it will come out again. Often through the bladder as well as the bowel.

-Drink lots of water throughout the day. Possibly add some liquid minerals and electrolytes if you can.

Coconut water is great, but it is a little sugary, and can exacerbate shingles/EBV/herpes especially if you're immune suppressed and these kind of infections flare repeatedly in you.

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