Updated: Dec 11, 2019
Too fucking hot.
Which is why I’ve decided that the only way forwards - is more saunas.
You’ll see why when I’ve completely bored you to death.
No really, it’s fucking boiling, I can’t take temperatures over 15 degrees (not kidding) and it’s approximately 800 in here.
That may be an exaggeration, but only slightly. I’m literally sticking to the wooden floor and just did my yoga practice in the cellar with the spiders.
If you know me, you’ll know that if I’ve chosen spiders willingly as an option IT IS TOO HOT!
The cellar is lovely, solid stone floors and the indescribable smell of German cellars.
Preserved foods, clean stone and something else I can never place. I’d like to sleep down there…except for the spiders – whose sole life purpose seems to be running at me.
It’s the scent of my childhood in Munich, and although I’m currently in Frankfurt, it’s almost exactly the same.
I feel blessed to be here. I love Germany.
It’s lusciously green, everyone is respectful of each other’s space. I would love to stay, to make my home here.
Not necessarily in this flat, because it’s riddled with mould and my neighbours like to use all 6 of their wood burners no matter the outside temperature - which makes things hotter and smokier - lovely.
I fear it’s not to be. I don’t really have much say over where I live, because of the whole being sick as a dog thing and dependent on others, but if I could chose, if that were an option, here would be home.
Unfortunately, my partner of ten years has had enough. And although at first I railed and cried and felt like collapsing and giving up, I don’t blame him. I’ve had enough too. I’d like to leave me and go on fucking holiday.
I can’t drink, I can’t really socialise, I can only eat the cleanest of foods and have to be driven everywhere. I can’t contribute to bills and I’m not getting any younger.
As much as I’d love that last part not to matter, it’s huge.
Not just because I no longer have the skin, looks, figure etc. but because we both thought, I’d be better by now. And it just did not happen. My family haven’t stopped being a perpetual stressor, my old neighbours were hellish, we didn’t have enough money to live together, let alone treat the Lyme, and it has all just become too too much.
The move to Germany was supposed to be the beginning. A fresh start. A new life. Where I would finally recover and all would be well.
But to be honest, I think he was battle weary before I left England. I didn’t think he ever wanted me here. And in I moved - only to bring more problems with me.
Problems from home, from my incredibly lost dad who hasn’t been okay since my mum died.
Problems with me not being able to process toxins because the Bastard Bollocking Lyme (official title) has shut all of my detox pathways down and so everything that I come into contact with, I recirculate until I turn yellow.
That’s always a good look. The distended to 400 months pregnant look goes down well too. The hair falling out in clumps is just an added delight.
I’m literally a walking bio-hazard with baggage. When I analyse it, I’m not entirely sure why he didn’t run for the hills years ago. Possibly because he doesn’t like hills or running?
There are toxins here. I thought it couldn’t be worse than my last home (I use the term loosely). I could not have been more fucking wrong. I’m starting to wonder if my old neighbours have had a quiet word with my new neighbours and there is an insidious conspiracy afoot.
Washing powders galore in the municipal laundry room…how much fucking Fabreeze can one family need ffs?
Scents of varying levels of noxiousness…I honestly don’t want to smell like a Yankee candle every time I attempt to wash something.
Honestly, I come back up from the laundry room not only with splitting headache and blocked sinuses but smelling like I’m on intimate terms with about 70,000 car air fresheners. You could probably convince me I’ve eaten one. I feel like they constitute a large portion of my diet.
Wood burning stoves on day and night even in the summer liberally distributing aldehydes. I shouldn’t get started on these fuckers. I might have wood burner issues. I need to start some kind of IHIWBA group - I HAVE ISSUES WITH WOOD BURNERS ANONYMOUS (catchy).
I can usually be heard muttering - put a fucking jumper on, ffs. Humans were not designed to sit on their arses endlessly scrolling social media in a swimsuit whilst keeping their homes heated to desert in a heat wave temperature. It’s not fucking Barbados, it’s Germany. Woman up you bastards, jog on the spot and throw some star jumps in if you’re cold.
I’ve altered the standard man up to fit my current mood. Which is dumped middle aged sulky but we were going to get a dog (at least 10) woman mode.
Pesticide spraying of the woods over the road (this is Bayer country after all, must keep the profits up now the rest of the world has realised most of their products cause cancer and sales are in decline).
And last but not least - arsehole mould. The very stuff of nightmares.
I can’t manage one of those things, let alone all of them. They inflame my brain and make me feel like I’m fighting four hundred internal martial artists whilst awe inspiringly hung over.
Which is where the saunas come in. Which is the point of this post – did you wonder where it was going?
The endless heatwave here has made me aware that when an unable to process toxins person gets heated up, the toxins which have been locked away in our fat cells quietly minding their own business (and giving us cellulite, bonus) get mobilised and a massive shit storm ensues.
I tend to sauna about three times a week. In a broken old thing that is absolutely not what you want to be using if you can afford a decent one. More on that in a sec, but brace yourselves, the decent ones cost the same as a house, more or less… may be exaggerating again, but just a bit.
As all I have is my broken sauna and a desperate desire not to explode with toxic overload, I thought I’d up the ante with B3 or niacin, which allows the insidious toxins to be moved out and away in a controlled way.
It’s been used for Gulf war veterans with tremendous effect under the Hubbard Detoxification Programme.
It can completely turn adrenal fatigue around, improve brain function, improve nutrient assimilation, boost energy production and just generally bring you back from the brink.
To be absolutely honest, I’m a tiny bit scared. Not of the feeling bad as the toxins leave the fat cells (which is what niacin does if taken before a sauna), but in case my brain goes funny. Funnier. Not haha.
By funny, I mean fucked. More fucked than my standard fucked, which is pretty fucked, so you see where I’m headed. If you kind of imagine a never-ending panic attack, mixed with being slaughtered and having had your drink spiked and throw in a little bit of how they visually explain someone being drugged on tv with blurry camera shots and flashing lights, you’re about a third of the way there.
But you know, nothing ventured, nothing gained, so I’m going in….
Would you like pictures of me being a lobster, because that’s what B3 does. You mottle nicely, then you turn bright red, and then you look like you’ve been boiled alive, which is obviously a look I’ve been aiming for, for years.
Bret Bouer, the amazing toxin master guy, has set up a face book group helping people to translate the niacin protocol (in essence - an easier version) to their homes.
The only down side being (as far as I can tell) is the need for supplements and a decent low EMF full spectrum sauna, which is going to be pricey and if you can’t afford food and bills, a no go potentially….
But potentially not. It looks to be a game changer in the world of recovery from long term ill health. I’ll go into the protocol fully in the next post and just focus on saunas and their benefits in this one.
So, saunas. The do’s and the don’ts.
To begin, according to all the groups and all the info I can find, you need a super, amazing, low EMF sauna. Which will set you back … a lot. It’s an investment. But if you’re not working it just fucking expensive.
Near or Far, yep, confusing as hell and I’ve a sneaking suspicion the companies selling these fucking things make it deliberately hard to fathom. Theirs is the best. The rest are shit. You’re doing it all wrong.
How do you not know what the difference is between light photomobulation and heat ffs? What have you been doing for the last few years? Not reading scientific peer reviewed papers?
Well, why not? Fingers out people. Honestly!
About ten minutes after I bought mine a few years ago, I found out it was the wrong type. I didn’t know what the fuck I was doing.
It was just little heaters in a small tent thing. That it was made of the wrong stuff (cheap as fuck toxic laden plastic - so basically I'd opted for highly toxic disaster sauna and the what the fuck where you thinking idiot protocol?). And delivering the wrong detox magic in the wrong amounts and I’d probably die using it.
What I’d been thinking was - a saunas a bloody sauna (nope). £300 is so much money for a sauna (nope). It’ll be just as good as the super expensive ones (nope).
I didn’t, however, give in to the sauna police and throw my nasty arse sauna in the bin. I used it.
And to some extent it worked. Kind of. A little bit. I sweated, surely that counts (nope).
Actually (pompous tone), it did help.
To be honest, I was so toxin laden at that point, that any kind of getting the shite out would have helped.
What probably (definitely) didn’t help, was the putting different stuff in while I took the other stuff out.
As in, I was sitting in a plastic, off gassing little box that I was heating to ridiculous temperatures just to help the off gassing in its off gassingness prowess.
And, in those days I was using chemicals to clean, chemicals to wash and horror of horrors, drinking tap water.
I was also living in mould (still living in mould, just different mould, yay) and my dad was perpetually painting any thing he could get his hands on in the house or banging around in the asbestos garage while my neighbours all covered their lawns with pesticides.
I was basically following an how to make sure you can’t recover handbook without realising it.
I was so utterly unaware of the toxic onslaught we face daily, that the shit we breathed, ate, drank, smoked years ago and thought would just quietly disperse into the ether - had not in fact dispersed at all, but set up camp in our fat cells.
And just because life has a tendency to be awkward, even if you've been eating clean and have removed all known to man toxins from your house/work/car/you - they'll still be sneaking in somewhere because they're bloody everywhere.
So… If you can only afford a cheap sauna, get one? Don’t fucking bother?
Ermmm, dunno. Helpful hey?
I’d probably go for a basic heater one rather than a far infrared sauna - and try to adapt it a little by taking the chair out and lining it with organic cotton towels that aren’t washed in chemicals (soap nuts, apple cider vinegar, ecover zero at a push).
Far from ideal. If you’re breathing in toxins while trying to remove toxins, you’re kind of up against it to be honest, but it’s what I did and it did help a little.
That's just me. The info on the Far's causing mitochondrial decline concerns me and a lot of friends over the years who've tried on have felt considerably worse for a considerable amount of time afterwards.
If you can get to a gym and they have a heated wooden box style sauna box or steam room, perhaps do that instead of buying one of the cheaper variants.
But then – you do have the potential issue of other people, their airborne toxins and their swimwear being washed in a delightful Persil/Fabollocksreeze/Bold combo.
I know it smells nice, I know…I know.
Or at least it does until you stop using it, start detoxing like a maniac and then smell it.
Then, I kid you not, it starts to smell like poison.
A lot of the things we think smell nice stop smelling nice when we allow our bodies to detox, our olfactory bulbs to reset and re-sensitise and get used to things being clean from cleaning, rather than clean from being coated in chemicals.
That’s when the bodys own innate protective mechanisms start to kick back in.
We were not designed to process this shit.
Then – honestly, I promise – you smell chemical based scents and your instincts scream…fucking run!
It does take a while before you completely clear those plastic/chemical based scents from your system though.
And from what I’ve seen, you have to remove all chemicals from your home, from your car (as much as possible- they are off gassing delights) and from you before you switch back to normal human mode (oh my god I can smell the trees, the grass, the air.....they smell nice, like clean...who knew?!).
I know how extreme this sounds, I really do. But just because the adverts on tv tell you this stuff is safe, it doesn’t mean it’s safe.
Hate to break it to you…they’re lying bastards and all the detox gurus feel that most modern illnesses are at least exacerbated (to the fucking hilt) if not actually in part caused by modern life’s toxin burden.
Sorry, gone off on one...
So, light therapy saunas (Near and full spectrum infrared), are the dogs bollocks. They really fucking work. So if you can, get one of those.
Some of the best reviews I’ve seen have been for -
Faraday by Sauna Space (5G/EMF blocking).
Luminati also by Sauna Space (not EMF blocking).
Sauna Fix by Ctreatrix Solutions. Big enough to stretch in while you sweat, which takes the experience to another level by all accounts.
The Sunlighten Sauna – I can’t find anywhere selling it in the UK at this precise point in time, and have seen EMF tests showing it to be extremely high in EMF’s.
The different types of sauna -
Traditional – uses a heat source (wood, heaters, gas etc) to heat the air around you and make you sweat. Zero photobiomodulation (light activating biological systems - healing).
The heat doesn’t penetrate deeply, and for those intolerant to heat due to illness it can be depleting and exhausting to use one of these.
This is what I’m using. I’ve added an incandescent lamp, which feels amazing, but it’s not great. I do tend to feel very tired after using it. Less toxic, but knackered.
-Far (FIR) – uses metallic, ceramic or carbon rods to emit in the far - infrared range to heat you rather than the air around you.
Transmits low energy infrared wavelengths. Believed to have little to zero photobiomodulation health benefits.
And is only able to supply a very small amount of the sunlight’s spectrum. Does not penetrate biological tissue deeply, only reaches the surface level - despite claims.
High in EMFs and even the ones claiming to be full spectrum are not.
So possibly not the best choice. There is also some evidence that these particular saunas deplete mitochondria.
But, Far is also said to be the foundation of infrared sauning. So, prepare to be confused, there is some disagreement within the sauna guru world.
-Near infrared – uses incandescent infrared heat lamps and transmits larger amount of the sunlight’s spectrum (approx. 40%). Penetrates more deeply, about 3.9 inches.
Stimulates core restorative healing processes within the body because of the photobiomodulation.
Less intensive heat wise for heat intolerant people. And you heat up very quickly, whereas in a traditional or far it can fucking ages before you even start to sweat.
Dr L. Wilson has an amazing book about light-based saunas – Sauna Therapy for Detoxification and Healing. You can even build your own.
I’m just going to rob a bank and buy one, one day. If anyone is up for robbing bank with me, comment below, we’ll start making plans. I’m the getaway driver, because when I can drive, I like to take bends at around 60mph. My dad taught me to drive, what can I say….
To surmise then, a sauna offering the full spectrum of infrared - near, mid and far is the overall best solution.
The Clearlight sauna comprises all three and comes with a very high recommendation from the people in the know.
Sauna-ing Benefits lovely people……my god there are loads.
I genuinely had trouble finding things it doesn't help with - even if indirectly.
But would just like to point out, that when sick as a dog this stuff can be challenging.
When not sick as a dog but full of toxins - this stuff can be challenging.
Moving toxins is tough. It's intense. You should probably consider adding binders in.
Cellcore BioToxin Binder is my favourite.
And you'll need to hydrate afterwards. Possibly set some time aside to lie the fuck down afterwards.
Ensure you re-balance with electrolytes and minerals after the big sweat and keep your blood sugar stable with a little protein rich snack afterwards.
If you can only manage five minutes to start and you don't even sweat, start there.
Build up slowly.
And make sure you have a cool (ideally fucking cold really, but that can make you feel super dizzy and pretty fucking dreadful, so play it by ear and again build up towards freezing cold slowly.)
It's all very well when a functional medicine person tells you to do or die. They aren't in your body. Do what you can. Persevere, if you can, and you'll get there.
NIR Benefits -
-Cell regeneration and wound healing improved.
-Circulation improved - great generally, but also has a direct impact on cellulite. As cellulite is basically fat and toxins combined with a nice dose of weakened connective tissue which is what makes it so visible (Lyme loves connective tissue, the bastard).
NIR can actually help build connective tissue. Saunas remove toxins and improved circulation flushes the toxins out and brings fresh blood and potential healing.
-Muscle fatigue eased.
-Recovery time lessened.
-The energy making process within our cells is stimulated the energy making process which increases ATP (our energy) production and metabolism generally.
-Improves strength – which despite what we’ve been told is not increased by exercising alone, but by an increase in our internal temperature (growth hormone is released with a temp increase, fat is broken down, muscle mass increased and calcium retention improved).
-Radiation damaged cells are destroyed (these can go on to cause cancers if left unchecked).
-Inflammation is reduced (always a good thing) and a consequent lowering in pain in the muscles and joints is often experienced.
-Flexibility is increased.
-Infections are killed off - by raising the internal temp of our bodies, fungi (mould, don’t get me started), viruses, parasites and bacteria are killed off.
Lots of people, especially those who are long term sick, have lingering, unresolved low grade infections hiding in the mouth, throat, bladder ears, sinuses and intestines.
They also tend to have a below par thyroid function, a consequent low body temp and therefore cannot fight these bastards off properly without help. NIR can really start to shift things in the right direction as far as infections are concerned.
-Can bring mutated cells to heel, by helping our bodies kill the fuckers.
-Tumours are also often very intolerant to high temperatures (hyperthermia is a known treatment for cancer in the functional medicine world) and can be, in the right circumstances, greatly reduced when using a NIR sauna.
-Skin elasticity is improved as fibroblasts (kind of like little patch work plasters made by our bodies to knit our tissues back together, mend tears and generally keep things in good condition) synthesis is stimulated.
FIR Benefits -
-Upper respiratory conditions such as asthma, bronchitis, pneumonia, coughs, colds, flu, mucous aliments are often alleviated with continual FIR sauna use.
-Detoxing, obviously - as white blood cell function is enhanced, immune response activated (often down regulated during long-term ill health) and potential invaders expelled by the body’s own defense system.
-Weight loss, as toxins are stored in fat and the very essence of a sauna is to release toxins, the body’s need to build fat as a safety mechanism is diminished.
-Increased Lymph drainage, especially if you gently massage the area around the ears, down the sides of the neck and either side of your throat in a downward motion before moving onto the breast tissue, the under arms and pelvis/groin.
I sometimes take a little glass bottle of organic olive oil and a really pure organic essential oil mix (lemon, orange, lavender are my favourites, but any you like) into the sauna with me.
-Blood pressure is reduced because of the persistent peripheral vessel dilation. It's also been found that blood viscosity was improved.
-Skin texture is improved as the pores are opened and toxins which are lying just beneath the surface expelled.
Fucking awesome, hey?